Male Virginity

Virgin women are standard romance features – especially in historical fiction where only really naughty girls would be indulging in sex outside marriage anyway. The deflowering of a woman tends to be a bit of an event – perhaps helped by the possibility of blood, which is all very visual, and the great deal of cultural hoo-ha around female virginity. The measure of a girl’s worth and virtue used to be tied up with her chastity, virginity and innocence. That must have made a lot of wedding nights challenging.

Men, on the other hand, have never been under any pressure to stay virgins, in fact there’s largely an expectation they won’t be. (Hence the need for those ‘other’ women.) Even in historical romance, the idea that the girl would be all innocent and the guy would know how it all works, is standard. It’s a situation that puts knowledge, and power, squarely in the guys’ hands. And also responsibility.

Conventional wisdom has it that you can’t tell if a man is a virgin – no physical giveaways like tightness or bleeding. There is the issue that virginal men are often nervous, and often last about five seconds the first time (although not always, there are stories….) The general vibe seems to be that a man will only be a virgin by dint of having failed to get laid, that no man would choose virginity, and that adult virgin men are therefore a bit weird. About the only exception is in m/m fiction where the ‘deflowering’ becomes the first act of penetrative anal sex, which for female readers parallels the idea of a woman being penetrated for the first time. As most of us do not get deflowered both as gay men and straight women, it’s not easy to tell how much comparison can actually be made. The only times I’ve seen men write about male virginity, it’s been in gay scenarios though.

Is male virginity appealing? Does it make you feel the guy has self restraint, and a romantic streak? Is he waiting for ‘the one’? Or is he a bit of a looser? Is our virgin man bound to be lacking confidence, or is he unlucky? Does it matter why he’s a virgin? How differently would we think about him from a female virgin in a book? Does age matter? An 18 year old virgin might be one thing, what about a thirty year old virgin?

There aren’t that many romance and erotica books out there featuring straight male virgins. We’ve had two recently at loveyoudivine – Giselle Renarde’s ‘The Public life of Private Paulsen’ – which is straight/trans – so a somewhat different issue, but raises some interesting ideas around male virginity. We also have Kiya’s ‘Witness to Love’ which has a male virgin in it, who is quite determined to hang on to his virginity! It’s got to be said, that having a sexy male lead with reasons he doesn’t want to get laid warring with desire to bed the main female protagonist, makes for some great tension. In terms of a plot device to make het romance interesting, the guy who has chosen to remain a virgin is fairly novel.

And why shouldn’t he? Being able to say ‘yes’ to sex requires also being able to say ‘no’. Why shouldn’t a man choose to wait? And to be chosen as ‘the one’ by a man who has opted to keep and gift his virginity in a meaningful way? That sounds a bit special. As we celebrate diversity of choice and lifestyle, we should also recognise the choice not to participate, and to wait. Not having sex is also part of our sexual identity. When and why we say no. Everyone should be allowed to say no.

Related posts:

1. Defining Sex
2. My Grandma Knows All the Guys
3. Club Divine Chapter Two